5 Singles From 2020 That Absolutely No One Asked For

2020 was a cruel year. A global pandemic and looming financial crash are probably more troublesome than, say, how crap Sam Smith’s latest output has been (fairly crap) there were still plenty of popular songs that added to the overall sense of impending doom. Here are five songs that we hope will not be following us into 2021.

If there is a 2021.

Kygo, Tina Turner – What’s Love Got To Do With It

Kygo is Norway’s most sought after export, right up there with potted herring. Brought trop-house to the masses; two billion streams prove it. So when did he become a gravedigger for the divas of 1987? Last year poor Whitney was unceremoniously strung-up on guy ropes to provide a posthumous duet on ‘Higher Love‘.

This time it’s Tina, and while Tina may still be very much with us, this Frankenstein’s Monster edit of ‘What’s Love Got to Do with It’ feels just as senseless and shambling.

What’s Tina Got To Do With It? you might be asking upon hearing this and the answer is not much. The vocals are intact from the original cut only now buried beneath waves of unnecessary festival tent EDM. She isn’t in the video nor the PR cycle, but then she is 81. What’s Rheumatism Got To Do With It? Though she did pose for this unconvincing single artwork, so there’s that.

The epidemic of the soft reboot is well known to film fans, and it seems through the vessel of the half-cocked trop-house remix, that idea has finally made the jump to radio.

Katy Perry – Daisies

The ulterior story of the late 2010s has been the slow steady decline of former hitmaker Katy Perry, beaten back from the Top 40 like a crazed, dying animal.

‘Daisies’ was Katy Perry’s attempt at Beyonce’s now iconic dual pregnancy reveal. The most liked post of 2017. This was supposed to be hers. Promising chords, dire execution. A soft acoustic-pop instrumental married with the most coarse, bellicose, unimaginably bad vocals.

Chorus is physically unpleasant to listen to. Sings the refrain “Daisies…Daisies…DAISIES” like she’s crouched in the bush with tiger stripe camo and a field radio, calling in air support on Ab Bac. Why she reaches for her most rabid, vocal-chord-shredding range is a question for God and the attending sound engineers.

Song dedicated to the miracle of childbirth has the tenor of electro-shock therapy. One of the messiest, most misguided, most wrong-headed and ill-advised comeback songs ever.

James Bay – Chew On My Heart

James Bay was a marketer’s wet dream: silly hat, nice-enough coffeeshop acoustic and penchant for the odd Radio 2 approved ballad. Bet they’re tearing their hair out now, because his brand is in a tail spin. He’s gone through a few changes since: losing the hat, cutting his hair short, growing it out again, and still nobody has thought twice about the fucking chancer since 2014.

This time round it seems the studio have slashed the promo allowance. The music video budget allowed for a dozen helium balloons, and primarily features James running around a field in Suffolk looking like a total fucking lunatic.

The memorable bit here is the title. Hilarious. Think we’ve finally run out of metaphors, and now people are just writing whatever first comes to mind during word association.

Come on chew on my heart“. Brilliant. What a dead fucking donkey of a song.

Powfu – death bed (coffee for your head) ft. beabadoobee

Further proof that this is – already – the worst decade in living fucking memory. Thanks to the ‘death bed’ TikTok trend this pitiable excuse for a song, which doesn’t break three minutes but feels like eight years and three Denis Villeneuve films, became a top five hit.

Everywhere you look there’s sad-rappers sprouting up like fucking crab grass and Powfu has to be the worst I’ve heard. Low-effort, low-energy trash nothingness and take my word that the resulting TikTok trend is the only thing more embarrassing than the song itself.

Song boasts the production values of an iphone 4, with a beat fresh from the starter packs they hand out for free to Music Performance and Production students. A schoolgirl somewhere might listen to this in her room after breaking up with her first boyfriend and think it’s poetry, and good for her. I’m too old to be taken in by this moon-faced fucking teenager and his shat-out draft of a song.

Listening to this is like lying on Dry Defender incontinence sheets. A teenage polemic about premature death which, after listening to this I can only pray for.

Jason Derulo & Jawsh 685 – Savage Love (Laxed Siren Beat)

We get to thank TikTok, again, for propelling this song onto mainstream radio. ‘Savage Love’ gave the most fucking gormless people on earth opportunity to film themselves. They took it from there.

The resulting dance trend took the world by storm. Kids are dancing in their bedrooms and by the cruelty of butterfly effect logic, I’m now aware of this song.

The fake trumpet, or whatever instrument that is supposed to be, that opens this song is possibly the worst five seconds of my life. I appreciate the sample originated from Samoan siren music and not to be culturally insensitive, but it sounds like arse. This song sounds like incidental music from a CITV show circa 2001 like My Parents Are Aliens or something and I’d happily set Dobermans on whoever put Jason Derulo up to this in the first place.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s