By Jack

When all your songs are about crying and how much you hate your Mom, it becomes hard to promote aspirational causes. Like football teams. Who actually want to win something.

Poor Portugal have been saddled with ‘In My Blood’ as their clarion call, rallying cry, their tune to belt from the terraces. Yes, that bleak song about the strain of millennial angst and the struggle to hold onto mental wellbeing. Football’s coming home boys!

Shawn Mendes, erstwhile whitest person on earth is in fact part Portugese. This is surprising since I’ve always associated Portuguese culture with a certain vibrancy and listening to Shawn Mendes is like being force fed rice pudding.

So congrats Portugal! The trophy is in the bag.

Relax, you have Shawn Mendes. All Germany have is Mesut Özil.