5 times Abbey Road was defiled

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By Jack

In September 1969 a band called the Beatles walked across a zebra crossing. The world would never be the same.

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The then obscure Abbey Road studios, where the Beatles recorded their eleventh album (and only album to be recorded entirely through solid-state mixing) would become world famous. Imitators would flock to the studio, desperate that some of their gold dust might rub off on them. Some were worthy. Some were not.

Abbey Road was once an iconic part of musical history. This studio was the place everyone wanted to be. Now succumbed to self-ruination – welcoming in any clueless gadabout and tittering flash-in-the-pan who happens to show up. It’s essentially the Kensington of the musical world.

Abbey Road used to be the mystical fog-shrouded domain of the enlightened. No more. The heathen have come and sounded their horn in the halls of our forefathers. Here are the worst of the performers to have darkened the door of Abbey Road.

Mika simply exists

Was nothing of note happening in the world of music in 2009? What other explanation exists for that yelping tit, Mika, being allowed in one of the greatest studios in the world – and for it to be televised! They should have chased him out with alsatians. Quite why for a brief period in time, Mika was considered a promising British talent is a question for the ages. Mika in Abbey Road – like a Hun gaping at the gapes of Rome.

Seth MacFarlane records a Christmas album

Neurosis is a powerful thing. The Family Guy creator thought he was the right man to take the lead role in a comedy set in the Old West – with Charlize Theron as his love interest. He also fancies himself a crooner – and took to Abbey Road to record an album of Christmas songs. Look at that smug face, listen to that middlebrow racket that passes for a festive standards album, and know that this was a very bad thing.

Beady Eye showed up

Say what you want about the legacy of Oasis or of LG as a self-defining Rock & Roll Star – but Beady Eye were an eye-watering turd of a band if there ever was one. Their brand of twee, plodding indie bollocks was essentially the colour grey put to music. They were invited to record a whole set of rote, dirgey nothingness to a roomful of Oasis fans hoping for some afterglow.

The Saturdays record their symphonic masterpiece ‘All Fired Up’

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For a second there I thought George Harrison wrote those lyrics but oh no, it’s The Saturdays, who took to Abbey Road to record their track ‘All Fired Up’ presumably for the sole purpose of pissing me off. Why? Why go to the expense of recording there when the tune is going to sound this bad? This song should have been recorded in the tokens booth at Butlins where it’s been playing every since.

The Hoosiers discuss their artistic process

Oh yes, the Hoosiers. Indie was so forgiving in the mid 00s that even they had a hit – ‘Goodbye Mr. A’ – which sounds like the theme tune for a sitcom on CITV.

Obviously these guys have a certain pedigree and absolutely deserved an invitation to play their composition – ‘Run Rabbit Run’ – between the same four walls that once heralded ‘Here Comes the Sun’ & ‘Golden Slumbers’.

Singer Irwin Sparkles (yes, really) expounds on his inspiration:

In my experience with girls I really fancied, they’ve always ended up going with the wrong kind of guys.”

You repel the opposite sex – this I can certainly believe. If only they’d listened to you, Irwin. If only they didn’t make such bad decisions for themselves like finding fulfilling relationships and settling down and realise instead that you, Irwin Sparkles, are the only man for them. If only they were as brilliant as thee.

He explains of great pop; “it’s not just masturbatory, not just for that artist.” The only wanker I see here is you pal.

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