Around this time last year, we published our predictions for 2017. Remember 2017, when it was all fresh and new? When it felt as though we could sweep the hellish 2016 under the carpet and start again? That went well, didn’t it. Anyway, we’ll admit, some of our predictions were a bit off. This year, though, we think we’ve hit the nail squarely on the head. So buckle up for 2018, the year when all of the following things will definitely, absolutely, certainly happen.
1. In an attempt to score a number one single (after her last album failed to spawn any), Katy Perry will release a Latin pop song featuring a Spanish language rap. The track will be roundly criticised and stall in the lower echelons of the top 40. Perry will later apologise for the song’s many grammatical errors, its offensive lyrics and the subsequent music video which will feature Perry smoking a joint while rubbing her crotch on the Nicaraguan flag.
2. Taylor Swift will begin her Reputation world tour featuring a range of guest performers including Rob Kardashian, Zoella and the ashes of the two aardvarks killed in the London Zoo fire.
3. S Club 7 will reunite for a string of UK shows, though many fans will express anger after it’s revealed the line-up is just Joe O’Meara and six haunted ventriloquist dolls.
4. During an ambassadorial trip to the UK to promote education in Latin America, Shakira will at various points confuse Boris Johnson for a beanbag, a waxwork of Amy Schumer and a burning pile of garbage.
5. DJ Khaled will break the record for most featured artists on a top 10 single. ‘To The Max’ will feature twenty-eight vocalists including Gucci Mane, Sean Paul and Hilary Clinton.
6. Liam Payne’s debut album will receive a score of 2.8 from Pitchfork leading to Payne’s fans bombarding the review’s author with abuse on Twitter. Payne will publicly denounce the abuse from his fans while simultaneously liking every abusive comment.
7. Lena Dunham will suggest a rendition of ‘Ebony and Ivory’ sung by herself and Beyoncé will go some way to healing racism in America. After the suggestion attracts criticism, Dunham will say she’s the victim of reverse racism before uploading a video to YouTube in which she sings the song alone, including a self-penned rap that rhymes ‘racism’ with ‘it’s a disgracism’.
8. Sam Smith will give a Guardian interview in which it becomes apparent he thinks Brexit is an island nation in the Caribbean.
9. Sam Smith will claim to be the first openly gay man to mistake Brexit for an island nation in the Caribbean.
10. Although they will publish five different articles about Stormzy through the year, The Daily Mail will fail to include an accurate photo of him, instead accompanying the articles with pictures of John Boyega, Kendrick Lamar and Dianne Abbot. When confronted with this, the newspaper will suggest Stormzy is an enigmatic figure whose true identity can never truly be known.
11. While filming Carpool Karaoke with James Corden, Ariana Grande will try to talk about the attack on her Manchester concert in 2017, but will be interrupted by Corden asking whether she’s ever had sex with Justin Bieber before segueing into an anecdote about the time he met Prince Harry at the BAFTAs.
12. Chances of a Spice Girls reunion will be dashed when leaked audio footage emerges of Victoria Beckham referring to her former band mates as Mangey, Minger, Hairy and Portly.
13. Chris Brown will trash a TV studio after Ellen DeGeneres tries to engage him in a lighthearted game of ‘I Have Never’. He will later take to Twitter to state that he is still young and has much to learn, reaffirming his commitment to growing emotionally and mentally as a human being. He will be 29 in May.
14. When asked by a journalist which modern music she enjoys, Theresa May will list the Antarctic Monkeys and Rita Acorah as her main faves.
15. A group of YouTubers including Alfie Deyes and Marcus Butler will collaborate for a charity single aimed at raising money for the endangered African Tree Bear. Only after the track and video have premiered will it be revealed the African Tree Bear was made up by a Finnish prankster posing as an ecologist. The YouTubers will pocket the money raised from the single and use it to fund their new range of edible bath bombs.
16. After Rihanna makes a prank announcement on April Fools Day that her Fenty Beauty range will now include a shade of green, the huge demand with lead her to manufacture and release an Emerald Glow concealer for real. Greenface will become the fashion trend of the summer, outshining Ivy Park’s Béy-keeper’s outfit that comes complete with bee-proof gloves and gold-plated face shield.
17. Dua Lipa will sign a sponsorship deal with Foot Locker, rewriting her hit ‘New Rules’ for a TV ad. ‘Shoe Rules’ will include such lines as “Don’t go to Schuh, you know their stock is bad and their boots smell of poo” and “If you’re under him, you ain’t taking full advantage of our excellent prices.” She will later admit this was an error in judgement.
Feel free to print off this list and tick off each event as they happen. Consider it your unofficial Michelin guide to 2018 – the year that, if some important men get their way, might be our last!! Happy New Year!!