The 3 songs that should be played at Trump’s Inauguration Ball

djt_headshot_v2The day is finally here. The end is nigh. The Ice Man cometh. The ginger-wigged despot is about to become the Leader of the Free World. And we can do nothing but watch, and wish we had done better. Most of my experiences are like that actually.

But there is a way. Music can save us from Trump. I don’t mean by protest song. Everyone and their dog has released a song bashing Trump. Yesterday it was Gorillaz. Also Arcade Fire. Before that it was Moby, Death Cab for Cutie, Franz Ferdinand. And over fifty other people.

Protest songs just aren’t going to cut it anymore. These are glancing blows on Trump’s gaseous, liver-spotted hull. These are the songs that must be played at Trump’s Inauguration Ball. For democracy!

3. Hey Ya – Outkast


I feel like no-one can usher in a right-wing Tea Party nightmare after hearing this song. Surely?

I’m guessing he hasn’t heard it before. He was in his twenties sometime before Outkast were popular, and I doubt he has much interest in 00’s pop hits, or black music in general, all things considered.

I believe the power of Outkast can absolve Trump. Come back to the light Donald! We miss the good times, like when you were a bitter, hateful misogynist. An unelected one!

2. Something by Alanis Morisette


Trump is a pretty strange guy, so there is always a chance that this…

Pictured: Everyone’s favourite Song

…won’t actually have any effect on him. In fact the upbeat tempo might just excite Trump and cause him to start pumping Melania’s leg, Putin loving wee-shower fantasies tumbling forth in a shower of homoeroticism.

The solution is to try and swing things the other way. What if they play a piece of music so draining and melancholic that everybody present including Trump himself is so sapped of energy they decide to call the whole thing off? Surely a full-length play through of the album Jagged Little Pill will be so sobering that the GOP will be locked in a state of self-reflection for the next few weeks whilst they re-evaluate their entire lives.

1. Longplayer – Jem Finer


Okay, we’ve tried a song so perky that it could conceivably bring Trump into the fold of being an actual human being, and we’ve tried some music so cerebral it’ll leave everyone at the ‘inaug’ in a catatonic state long enough to stage a palace coup.

This is the last option, the one thing that can stop Trump from becoming TRUMP.

Here we go then. The nuclear option.

Jem Finer’s ‘Longplayer‘.

It has the benefit of basically being a self-extending composition.  It began in the year 2000, and will last until roughly New Years Eve 2999.

This means that, hopefully, by the time the song is over, Donald Trump won’t actually be alive.

Unfortunately, Trump has such a jam-packed event planned, there won’t be much room for recorded music anyway. Live performances from Toby Keith, 3 Doors Down, and The Frontmen of Country ( me neither) will pack out a truly special evening. The highlight of the night will surely be a performance by The Reagan Years, an 80s tribute band who are expected to play a cover of ‘Footloose’.

Never mind. The rebellion never dies.


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