If you’d said at the start of 2016 that the guy who hosts The Chase would outsell Zayn Malik and score the biggest debut album of the year, no one would have believed you. And yet here we are, in our post-truth, pro-Brexit world, awaiting a Trump presidency and wondering how it all happened . So bear that in mind when you read my 17 predictions for 2017 – shit that I am fairly sure is absolutely going to happen.
1. Taylor Swift will collaborate with Father John Misty. It will be considered a triumphant return for Swift but a disaster for Misty who will lose his indie cred and become the subject of a Sad Father John meme that will briefly take over Twitter. He will later upload a sarcastic cover of the track to his Soundcloud page before removing it within the hour.
2. Ed Sheeran will cause controversy after jokingly tweeting about starting a #GingerLivesMatter campaign. In an interview with Jimmy Fallon, Sheeran will insist the tweet was intended to mock detractors of the #BlackLivesMatter movement before performing an acoustic rendition of ‘Strange Fruit’ that will be universally panned. A lengthy statement of apology from Sheeran’s management will follow.
3. Kanye West will release ‘Trump Tower’, a vicious takedown of Trump’s presidency. It will be hailed as a return to form after West appeared to show support for Trump in 2016. Trump will respond by recording a rap of his own in which he will rhyme ‘Kim Kardashian’ with ‘I’m smashin’ em’ in reference to his haters and also the Chinese.
4. During a boozy night out, Rita Ora will be heard referring to herself as ‘the next Madonna’. Her new single will fail to chart.
5. Louis Tomlinson will become embroiled in an online spat with Niall Horan over the correct pronunciation of the word ‘ennui’.
6. Glastonbury will be dogged by technical issues, culminating in Thom Yorke being electrocuted live on stage. Fans will believe the mid-spasm Yorke is doing the dance from ‘Lotus Flower’ until paramedics confirm otherwise.
7. Nicola Roberts will release the best pop song and album of the year. Nadine Coyle will delete her account.
8. Rihanna will release new single ‘Dancehall Gangster’. The video will show her murdering three men, flaying the flesh from their bones and slurping down their intestines. The Daily Mail will proclaim ‘Rihanna has gone too far’, The Guardian will insist that she hasn’t.
9. Madonna will get a permanent ban from Instagram.
10. In an interview with a French newspaper, Lana Del Rey will say she wishes she had never been born or, if she absolutely had to be born, had instead been born a spider that got its legs picked off one by one, or a caterpillar that died before it could turn into a butterfly, or a seagull that perished in an oil spill or Harambe. Del Rey will later deny she said this. The newspaper will release the audio from the interview confirming she did.
11. Taylor Swift will ask to be excluded from another dialogue.
12. Justin Bieber will publicly confuse the Netherlands for Neverland.
13. Sean Paul will feature on new tracks by Louisa Johnson, Olly Murs and The Chainsmokers. These will all be bad.
14. A fake news story will be published that Charlie Puth has died. No one will read it.
15. James Corden will be involved in a crash while filming Carpool Karaoke. Ariana Grande will have grabbed the steering wheel and driven them off the road. She will later say she has no regrets and would do it again.
16. Due to falling ratings, The X Factor will add a new trapdoor component to the live shows.
17. Bradley Walsh and Alexander Armstrong will claim the Christmas number one album after collaborating on a series of Elvis covers. The duo will later part ways after a public fracas while performing on Jools Holland’s Hootenanny.
You heard it here first, kids.